Guiltless Hot Cocoa

Yummmmy

Ingredients

1 cup unsweetened almond milk

1.5 tablespoons cocoa powder

1 tablespoon of honey

Heat everything up in a saucepan, enjoy 🙂

total calories: 120

Pretty much the healthiest you’ll get in terms of hot chocolate. delish!

Took Some Time

I’ve been having some difficulties, and I came to my senses this morning once and for all…

However much I hate counting calories, I’ll get back on track. I can do this….

I’ve been exercising quite a bit lately, tried hot yoga a couple times, it’s really great 🙂

I guess I’ll need to set myself some new goals one of these days. Kind of just trying to get through life.

171 lbs this morning.

i feel like such a failure…

And that’s about it. Because that’s all I’ve done this summer. I set goals for myself, and then just let myself squander them away, along with any potential for success. I have no idea where to move next.

I ate myself to the point of nearly throwing up tonight. I’m in tears, straining from the stomach pains, wishing I could vomit without forcing myself…

I’ve gained 3 pounds back as of this morning…. 172. As of tonight, I’m 174.5, but I’m hoping most of that is food……

I don’t know what to do. I’m so exhausted, all I can think about is crying and feeling sick. I don’t know how to fix this. It’s hopeless….

What am I supposed to do? I’ve been exercising….I just have no self control. I eat and eat and eat and EAT AND EAT AND EAT.

I feel like I’m going to explode. I hate myself right now.

I never follow through with counting calories anymore. I try to portion my meals well, but by the time dinner rolls around I just shovel it all down my throat.

How do I do this? How do I get myself to stop eating?

I just…. It hurts so badly right now. I can’t even begin to think about breakfast.

Hopefully I can take this and turn it into something productive…. like never doing this again.

I want so badly to sit here and think to myself that nothing is going to work, so I should just give up. But I KNOW I’ve had success! I know that something has worked for me before….I just don’t know how to get it back. I don’t know how to make it to the next step. I hurt. I’m in tears. I’m in pain. WHAT IS the next step?!

I’m too tired to think rationally.

:)

Feeling pretty good. Been running and eating well. Have been exercising pretty well every single day, and though I haven’t been counting calories, I have been eating healthy and not to the point of feeling too full.

I will bring you all a more detailed post when I don’t have to wake up in 7 hours 😦 lol I promise!

Mediocre

Didn’t exactly meet my goals. But I didn’t exactly do horribly either. Probably ate around 1500 calories instead of 1400. Ate a small piece of coconut pound cake at 8:45 (that is after 7, Emily. Jeez….and it’s made of crappiness). I also didn’t write down the stuff I ate at home, though I kept track of it in my head. It wasn’t as precise of a counting/ measurement as I usually like to keep, but I was exhausted and lazy tonight, and I’m going to let myself make lame excuses and try to justify it because I just really want to go to bed.

Tomorrow I do NOT have to work such ridiculously long, hard hours, So it will be better.

I’m going to do my zumba dancin’ tomorrow morning.

Goodnight, all.

Today was Decent

I completed all my goals for today. Go meeee!

• Exercised this morning. Went for a run (well, a half-run by which I mean I ran over half the distance and walked the rest)
• Wrote down everything I ate BEFORE I ate it
• Kept to 1500 calories
• Didn’t eat after 6:30 pm (I told myself no food after 7)

For tomorrow:

• No food after 7pm
• write down everything I eat before I eat it
• 1400 calories
• I won’t be working out/ running/ exercising expressly for the sake of exercise because I start work at 7 am…. get to wake up at 5:45, and I work until 4:30 pm. hurray for 9 and a half hour work day! I will be sooo exhausted. And in my job, trust me, I BURN CALORIES.

So yeah. three goals for tomorrow, I completed four today, but tomorrow I need to curb my eating even more. I can do this.

Remember Emily. 165. New ring. Let’s do this up! I can do this.

Tears and Truth (from August 1st)

I’ve spent a large enough amount of time crying lately because, let’s be honest here, for the past month I have not been doing this. I have dolled out excuse after excuse to James and myself, trying to convince the both of us that this is still headed in a positive direction. Which is an outright lie. The excuses have got to stop. No more “I’m just taking a break for a few days”. No more “I’m just stressed from work”. No more “I’m still eating healthy foods and going for walks”.

None of that is good enough. Food is only healthy if it’s in the right portions. Going for a walk is not enough exercise for me and I am completely aware of that. It’s time to take responsibility back into my own hands and get back on this horse.

I guess… Shopping made me feel good. It made me feel like I had done a good enough job, like I was ‘finished’. But that’s not true… Today I was at West Ed with Mom and she pointed out that next year I’m going to be wearing my grad dress. I realized….I would hate myself if I looked fat in my dress. Like Holy Mother of Jesus, grad is coming. I want to look good. I NEED to look good or I will not forgive myself. Beyond that is my health, my own happiness, my need to feel good about myself.

So what am I going to do about this?

Goals for Tomorrow: Wake up at 6 to exercise. Sweat hard. (Bike ride? Run? Zumba? I’m not sure yet. Maybe more than one of those things. Needs to happen.) Write down EVERYTHING I put in my mouth, BEFORE I put it in my mouth. (This will force me to think about it. It’s worked before, I will make it work again.) Don’t eat after 7 pm. (I know one of my biggest weaknesses lately has been the evening snacking. This habit needs to be broken, and it needs to happen ASAP. It has been happening with a completely unacceptable frequency.)

Mid-Term Goals: when I reach 165 I’m going to buy myself another ring (I just recently got 2 from a collection where you stack them together, I luuurve them) as a reward. Something to give me a little more incentive.

Long Term Goals: I want to be 150 when I put on that grad dress and get my diploma, walking across the stage in front of a thousand people. That is 20 pounds away. That is less than 10 months away. 9.5 months X 4 weeks= 38 weeks. Just over half a pound a week… which means that if I’m going to get there I need to start now.

Good enough is not good enough anymore. I’m a perfectionist for god’s sake, I know how I function. Time to live up to my own standards.

Amused

I am amused by the fact that I get about triple the views per day when I don’t post anything for a week.

Awesome.

Quick update: Haven’t weighed in for quite a while, decided to give up on Biggest Loser for now, wasn’t working for me anymore. Got a Zumba game for my wii that I’ve done once, but for the most part I’ve been pretty lazy and stressed. The whole being not fat thing has kind of failed for the past few weeks (aka past month)

Being so stressed about my job plays a big role I think…. I’m pretty drained and all I want to do is flake on the couch and eat fuzzy peaches at the end of the day. My emotions are all just so… DONE. I hate it. I hate that job. Ugh.

I don’t know what to do. I just need to……. FIX my life. Just find a way to eat well, exercise, be good at my job, have some friends, not get my boyfriend mad and upset with me….

There’s just so much. I can’t handle all of it. And unfortunately right now the things that are falling the most to the side are my eating and my exercising.

Which is bad.

Sigh.

Help me?

Need to get BACK ON TRACK HERE.

So I’ve been REALLY lazy and lax the past…. ohhh I’d say month or so.

Like, yesterday was bad…

I’ve only worked out like twice in the past two weeks.

I think that the Biggest Loser game for wii has started to lose its charm and effectiveness…. It may be time to try and find something new. And I need to do it soon, because I’m going to start gaining 😦 …..I have not been eating very well, and on top of that, a lack of exercise is going to make me gain back everything I’ve lost. I need to fix this and get going again.

Any suggestions anyone…

Ugh.

I really NEED to start counting calories again. Tomorrow. Seriously. For real.

1400 a day, NO MORE CAKE EMILY. And no timbits either. RAWR.

Healthy good food, and controlled portions of it too. This needs to start happening again. I can’t lose all this work I’ve done, I can’t sabotage myself like this. I need to get back on track, I need to fix this. I need to get consistently below 170. I know I can do this. I know I can do this…..

Help me!

My Summer Goal

So. I got this idea sitting in the lunch room at work, and one of my coworkers had her food in a lulu lemon bag. You know, the ones with all those supposedly inspirational quotes, “eat, floss, sing, travel”….(rolls eyes) lol. However…this bag did have something that has inspired me, so I suppose I no longer have any grounds to make fun of it.

My new goal for this summer is to sweat every day. Every single day. Even if it’s just for 5 minutes, I want to sweat. I’m not entirely certain how I am going to accomplish this task, and it’s probably going to prove itself rather difficult, since sweating generally takes me a while, and it takes me even longer now that I’ve lost weight.

However, I think that even 15 minutes of exercise every day, just enough to make me sweat, (if I can get into the routine of it) will help me be healthier and incorporate exercise more into my everyday living instead of treating it as a chore. I mean, three days a week are already accounted for. Hopefully I can go play tennis with mom on the weekends, and if I work hard enough at that, that will cover one or two more days. What to do with the others? Go for a run? Bike ride? I don’t know… especially since the weather hasn’t been hot lol… though I suppose depending on that would be cheap. Any ideas, readers?

Monday Wednesday and Friday are going to be the toughest. I want something sustainable and doable, something that I will stick with. Hopefully playing outside with the kids at work will help…. I need something, even just for tomorrow! I already did it today, but tomorrow is not a workout day, unless I do an extra wii biggest loser routine. I’m not sure that’s what I want though, if I overdo that, I won’t want to do the scheduled routines. I guess we’ll have to wait and see what the weather brings. If only it would ever stop raining so we could play outside! And the mosquitoes….. ugh.

Well, that’s my goal. Sweat every day. This post was rather long-winded, I guess that previous sentence is really all I needed to say, but if I can’t post my thoughts here, there’s no where to put them. After all, that is kind of the point of a blog. I’ll shut up now.