My adventure to achieve a healthy weight!

Archive for May, 2011

A Goal In General


That is all.

(ps. this drives me insane. But this bipolar nonsense every few days when my weight fluctuates naturally needs to stop.)

****I originally thought my weigh in days on the wii were on Thursdays. However, they are on Wednesdays. Hence the correction.

Also. I’m not going to use my bathroom scale anymore. Just the wii. I will have to get used to judging my weight and how my progress is coming based upon that feedback, it will take a little while to get accustomed to it, but I think in the end, this is the right choice for me.


Miles to the Finish Line: 15

Another decently good day. Didn’t get much exercise today and ate a bit too much at dinner, but all in all a pretty good day. I’ve been happier with my eating and I’m feeling better in general.

Only things I regret consuming today: a cookie and a baggie of popcorn after dinner when I wasn’t really hungry.

Which is a LOT less than the past few weeks… So we’re making progress here.

Made it through today without weighing, second day in a row, even though it drives me crazy not knowing. I gotta get used to it.

Even though I won’t meet my goal this time, I’m going to do my best to keep driving  toward it, get myself a good start on the next one, whatever it may be. I’m just trying to be healthy right now. Get back on track, even though it’s so difficult with all the stress. 4 core classes, plus Dad is having surgery tomorrow, it’s just kind of…an extremely stressful time. Food is kind of my go-to way of dealing with things, or at least it WAS in the past. I try not to let it rule me like that anymore. All things considered, I am a much healthier person than I used to be. Long term, I have made a ton of progress. It’s a slow, long, difficult journey, but in another year from right now, I’ll have made even more. Even though it feels like I’m not accomplishing anything right now, I’m still paving the way for a healthier future. And that is really important to me.

I will do the best I can. I can and will do this.

❤ James ❤ ~~ thanks for all you do for me.

Miles to the Finish Line: 16

I will not meet this goal. That is a fact. But I’m back to starting to work harder again at this, and I know I can do this. My eating today was significantly better, even if I did eat a bit too much this evening. Trying to be positive about it and focus on what’s good. Tomorrow will be a better day.

Did a half hour work out this morning, it was a lot better for me, as I predicted having shorter ones would be, especially because I can just get up 15 minutes early instead of like an hour early. Which is rather wonderful. I like sleeping.

Too many desserts in the house right now. I was really good at school all day today. But then I got home and ate a cookie. Then I had a piece of Amish friendship cinnamon cake. Then….half an hour I had another piece.

I also ate two chocolate truffles I got in Paris. Urgh. I did so well at school and then just lost it when I got home.

James and I had a long talk on the phone last night and we decided together that weighing myself every day needs to stop once and for all. No more excuses, no more “forgetting” and doing it anyway. Tonight was so hard… I did it though. I walked away from the scale. After eating that cake I’m so paranoid and I REALLY want to know…. but I will wait until Thursday. Thursday is weigh-in day. Perhaps I should put the scale in the closet where I won’t see it every day and night. Maybe that would help, so it’s not there to stare me in the face and fill me with guilt…..

I was going through a notebook of mine and found the original diary entry I made ( the precursor to this blog). The very first one that began this initiative. This is the attitude I need to get back to:

“Tuesday, March 22nd, 2011. 9:30 pm, 186.0 lbs. Days till Birthday: 39

I’m doing this for me. Not for anyone else. This is for myself, my health, my well0being, my future. Me. It’s time. Eating semi-well isn’t enough anymore. Smaller meals and snacks starting tomorrow. This isn’t frivolous anymore. this is a commitment. I will find something that works for me and I will stick to it. I owe it to myself. It’s time. I love him. He wants me to be happy, to love myself as much as he loves me. I have someone to work with here <3.”

I need that mentality back stuck in my brain. It needs to stay. Because I DID find something that worked for me, and I lost a bit more than 10 pounds using it. But when I met my goal, I let myself slide off the bandwagon. Time to run, catch up and get back on, Em!!

I can do this. I will do this. For myself. Doing things for other people is easy. Doing things for myself is what works. End of story. Needs to happen.

When I fail to accomplish this goal (I need to start working on the push-ups again, maybe I can at least get that part), I will set a new one, and I will stick to it. I need this.

Miles to the Finish Line: 20

Well. It certainly has snuck up on me… I let myself believe I still had so much time and now I’m going to pay for it. I have to deal with the reality of the fact that I probably won’t reach my goal. Tonight I am 176.5lbs. I did the first workout I’ve done in probably two and a half weeks. Pretty sad, but it felt good, so maybe I’ll keep up with it (no, Emily, not maybe. You MUST.)

I started a new program, abandoning the old one on biggest loser because of how long it’s been between my efforts. I started a 4 week program for 3 workouts a week on the 3rd out of 5 difficulty level. That’s one level easier than the previous program, and I also shortened the workout length. I don’t know if it’s going to end up being too easy, but I think that it’s best if I ease myself back into it. It felt really good tonight doing that workout, but that doesn’t mean I’ll always have the time or energy.

I’m still jetlagged from going to Paris. On said trip, ahem, I only gained about 1.5-2 pounds 😀 which I’m pretty proud of. The French like their butter :S. Still getting caught up on schoolwork and sleep. But I need to get back on track with eating better and exercising. It can’t be optional anymore. That workout made me realize just how crappy my body was feeling from being left untended.

When I started the new program, I remeasured my waist and hips and compared it to how big they were at the beginning of the previous program.

Waist: size reduced by one inch! (I don’t remember the exact numbers)

Hips: size reduced by two inches!!

So that felt pretty damned amazing (it also explains why I need to go shopping and buy new pants and a new belt, my pants never seem to stay where they’re supposed to anymore lol)

I’ll start blogging more religiously again now that I’ve regathered my willpower, and James will see to my exercise. I might try counting calories, or at least trying to budget better what goes into my mouth, gets chewed on and swallowed.

Bought some awesomely yummy gum in Paris, so that gives me something to chew on and NOT swallow lol. But yes, going to try to keep better track of what I eat again now that I’m back home.

So adios until tomorrow, my friends, and best of luck to you all in your own ventures.

Miles to the Finish Line: 33

Worked out this morning 50 minutes of hard circuit training. Was brutal because I haven’t been exercising as much as I should be the past two weeks. 😦

Also. Eating was okay but not the greatest. Ugh. Need to really try to shape up. GOing to be a hard day tomorrow because I’m home alone 😦 grr. WILLPOWER WHERE ARE YOU?!

Miles to the Finish Line: 36.

36 more days until the end of school. I’m looking forward to that more than anything!

I just want to be able to sleeeep. Unfortunately however there will be my job involved haha.

Worked out today, it felt SOO good. Did the challenge and weigh in, came in first against the computer players in the challenge and got a fit score of over 1100 😀

Came in complete first for the entire week! It felt awesome. Only lost two pounds since the last weigh in which was actually a week and a half ago, but that’s okay. It’s actually still coming off even though I hadn’t worked out or eaten that well.

according to the game I am now 171 lbs

Which translates to about 175 in real life haha. But that was in the afternoon, so not bad.

We’ll see how next week goes, my trip to PARIS next week could ruin this for me. The french love their butter and cream… 😀 hehe

Miles to the Finish Line: 37

With every day, the goal seems further out of my reach. At least that of losing weight. I can’t seem to find the drive to do it, to get up and work out in the morning….. I think I might need a change in routine.

I did my pushups tonight, did 20 plus 40 seconds of elbow plank on my toes and 50 more seconds on my knees, then 30 leg raises. I was angry, exercise felt good lol. Didn’t do any real working out though, and my diet STILL is not good. Will have to weigh in tomorrow, get pissed at myself and hopefully that will drive me to continue with better inspiration.

Swamped with stress right now. I just want to be a kid. I want to be a 17 year old girl with no agenda, no stress, I want to not spend 3 hours a night doing homework, I want to not have my primary emotion be guilt for not eating very well and not exercising.

But I’m a goddamn perfectionist and I don’t know how else to live.

It’s my nature, I want to continually improve who I am. Drive myself to get better grades (they’re already perfect for God’s sake, why isn’t that good enough, why can’t I give myself some slack?), drive myself to lose weight. I just want to be…..normal. Lead a normal life without all this. But I don’t really know what normal is. I guess it’s normal for a teenage girl to want to improve her self esteem and lose weight. And at the very least, it’s actually healthy for me to do so, and I’m (attempting) to do so in a healthy way.

I need to find my next kick in the ass. I’ve set my goal, and I’ve been working on the part with the pushups, and I’m certainly getting there a lot sooner than I thought I would. It’s turning out the opposite I thought it would. I thought getting to be able to do 25 push ups would be the difficult part. Turns out that finding the motivation to eat well and workout in order to lose that next 10 pounds is WAY harder this time. I don’t know what’s different, I don’t know what’s changed. I’m just……It’s so hard. I don’t know how. I’m searching, I have the want, but I haven’t found the will yet.

Maybe after my trip to Paris (Next week!!) I will feel bad because European women are skinny and, well, I am NOT.

I do have a figure though, and I feel pretty when I’m getting dressed in the morning now, which I LOVE!! But it could be more, it could be better, and I could be healthy. There are still things to work toward, I need to stop finding excuses and start finding inspiration.