And that’s about it. Because that’s all I’ve done this summer. I set goals for myself, and then just let myself squander them away, along with any potential for success. I have no idea where to move next.
I ate myself to the point of nearly throwing up tonight. I’m in tears, straining from the stomach pains, wishing I could vomit without forcing myself…
I’ve gained 3 pounds back as of this morning…. 172. As of tonight, I’m 174.5, but I’m hoping most of that is food……
I don’t know what to do. I’m so exhausted, all I can think about is crying and feeling sick. I don’t know how to fix this. It’s hopeless….
What am I supposed to do? I’ve been exercising….I just have no self control. I eat and eat and eat and EAT AND EAT AND EAT.
I feel like I’m going to explode. I hate myself right now.
I never follow through with counting calories anymore. I try to portion my meals well, but by the time dinner rolls around I just shovel it all down my throat.
How do I do this? How do I get myself to stop eating?
I just…. It hurts so badly right now. I can’t even begin to think about breakfast.
Hopefully I can take this and turn it into something productive…. like never doing this again.
I want so badly to sit here and think to myself that nothing is going to work, so I should just give up. But I KNOW I’ve had success! I know that something has worked for me before….I just don’t know how to get it back. I don’t know how to make it to the next step. I hurt. I’m in tears. I’m in pain. WHAT IS the next step?!
I’m too tired to think rationally.
Feeling pretty good. Been running and eating well. Have been exercising pretty well every single day, and though I haven’t been counting calories, I have been eating healthy and not to the point of feeling too full.
I will bring you all a more detailed post when I don’t have to wake up in 7 hours 😦 lol I promise!
Didn’t exactly meet my goals. But I didn’t exactly do horribly either. Probably ate around 1500 calories instead of 1400. Ate a small piece of coconut pound cake at 8:45 (that is after 7, Emily. Jeez….and it’s made of crappiness). I also didn’t write down the stuff I ate at home, though I kept track of it in my head. It wasn’t as precise of a counting/ measurement as I usually like to keep, but I was exhausted and lazy tonight, and I’m going to let myself make lame excuses and try to justify it because I just really want to go to bed.
Tomorrow I do NOT have to work such ridiculously long, hard hours, So it will be better.
I’m going to do my zumba dancin’ tomorrow morning.
I completed all my goals for today. Go meeee!
- Exercised this morning. Went for a run (well, a half-run by which I mean I ran over half the distance and walked the rest)
- Wrote down everything I ate BEFORE I ate it
- Kept to 1500 calories
- Didn’t eat after 6:30 pm (I told myself no food after 7)
- No food after 7pm
- write down everything I eat before I eat it
- 1400 calories
- I won’t be working out/ running/ exercising expressly for the sake of exercise because I start work at 7 am…. get to wake up at 5:45, and I work until 4:30 pm. hurray for 9 and a half hour work day! I will be sooo exhausted. And in my job, trust me, I BURN CALORIES.
So yeah. three goals for tomorrow, I completed four today, but tomorrow I need to curb my eating even more. I can do this.
Remember Emily. 165. New ring. Let’s do this up! I can do this.
I’ve spent a large enough amount of time crying lately because, let’s be honest here, for the past month I have not been doing this. I have dolled out excuse after excuse to James and myself, trying to convince the both of us that this is still headed in a positive direction. Which is an outright lie. The excuses have got to stop. No more “I’m just taking a break for a few days”. No more “I’m just stressed from work”. No more “I’m still eating healthy foods and going for walks”.
None of that is good enough. Food is only healthy if it’s in the right portions. Going for a walk is not enough exercise for me and I am completely aware of that. It’s time to take responsibility back into my own hands and get back on this horse.
I guess… Shopping made me feel good. It made me feel like I had done a good enough job, like I was ‘finished’. But that’s not true… Today I was at West Ed with Mom and she pointed out that next year I’m going to be wearing my grad dress. I realized….I would hate myself if I looked fat in my dress. Like Holy Mother of Jesus, grad is coming. I want to look good. I NEED to look good or I will not forgive myself. Beyond that is my health, my own happiness, my need to feel good about myself.
So what am I going to do about this?
Goals for Tomorrow: Wake up at 6 to exercise. Sweat hard. (Bike ride? Run? Zumba? I’m not sure yet. Maybe more than one of those things. Needs to happen.) Write down EVERYTHING I put in my mouth, BEFORE I put it in my mouth. (This will force me to think about it. It’s worked before, I will make it work again.) Don’t eat after 7 pm. (I know one of my biggest weaknesses lately has been the evening snacking. This habit needs to be broken, and it needs to happen ASAP. It has been happening with a completely unacceptable frequency.)
Mid-Term Goals: when I reach 165 I’m going to buy myself another ring (I just recently got 2 from a collection where you stack them together, I luuurve them) as a reward. Something to give me a little more incentive.
Long Term Goals: I want to be 150 when I put on that grad dress and get my diploma, walking across the stage in front of a thousand people. That is 20 pounds away. That is less than 10 months away. 9.5 months X 4 weeks= 38 weeks. Just over half a pound a week… which means that if I’m going to get there I need to start now.
Good enough is not good enough anymore. I’m a perfectionist for god’s sake, I know how I function. Time to live up to my own standards.