I’ve spent a large enough amount of time crying lately because, let’s be honest here, for the past month I have not been doing this. I have dolled out excuse after excuse to James and myself, trying to convince the both of us that this is still headed in a positive direction. Which is an outright lie. The excuses have got to stop. No more “I’m just taking a break for a few days”. No more “I’m just stressed from work”. No more “I’m still eating healthy foods and going for walks”.
None of that is good enough. Food is only healthy if it’s in the right portions. Going for a walk is not enough exercise for me and I am completely aware of that. It’s time to take responsibility back into my own hands and get back on this horse.
I guess… Shopping made me feel good. It made me feel like I had done a good enough job, like I was ‘finished’. But that’s not true… Today I was at West Ed with Mom and she pointed out that next year I’m going to be wearing my grad dress. I realized….I would hate myself if I looked fat in my dress. Like Holy Mother of Jesus, grad is coming. I want to look good. I NEED to look good or I will not forgive myself. Beyond that is my health, my own happiness, my need to feel good about myself.
So what am I going to do about this?
Goals for Tomorrow: Wake up at 6 to exercise. Sweat hard. (Bike ride? Run? Zumba? I’m not sure yet. Maybe more than one of those things. Needs to happen.) Write down EVERYTHING I put in my mouth, BEFORE I put it in my mouth. (This will force me to think about it. It’s worked before, I will make it work again.) Don’t eat after 7 pm. (I know one of my biggest weaknesses lately has been the evening snacking. This habit needs to be broken, and it needs to happen ASAP. It has been happening with a completely unacceptable frequency.)
Mid-Term Goals: when I reach 165 I’m going to buy myself another ring (I just recently got 2 from a collection where you stack them together, I luuurve them) as a reward. Something to give me a little more incentive.
Long Term Goals: I want to be 150 when I put on that grad dress and get my diploma, walking across the stage in front of a thousand people. That is 20 pounds away. That is less than 10 months away. 9.5 months X 4 weeks= 38 weeks. Just over half a pound a week… which means that if I’m going to get there I need to start now.
Good enough is not good enough anymore. I’m a perfectionist for god’s sake, I know how I function. Time to live up to my own standards.