With every day, the goal seems further out of my reach. At least that of losing weight. I can’t seem to find the drive to do it, to get up and work out in the morning….. I think I might need a change in routine.
I did my pushups tonight, did 20 plus 40 seconds of elbow plank on my toes and 50 more seconds on my knees, then 30 leg raises. I was angry, exercise felt good lol. Didn’t do any real working out though, and my diet STILL is not good. Will have to weigh in tomorrow, get pissed at myself and hopefully that will drive me to continue with better inspiration.
Swamped with stress right now. I just want to be a kid. I want to be a 17 year old girl with no agenda, no stress, I want to not spend 3 hours a night doing homework, I want to not have my primary emotion be guilt for not eating very well and not exercising.
But I’m a goddamn perfectionist and I don’t know how else to live.
It’s my nature, I want to continually improve who I am. Drive myself to get better grades (they’re already perfect for God’s sake, why isn’t that good enough, why can’t I give myself some slack?), drive myself to lose weight. I just want to be…..normal. Lead a normal life without all this. But I don’t really know what normal is. I guess it’s normal for a teenage girl to want to improve her self esteem and lose weight. And at the very least, it’s actually healthy for me to do so, and I’m (attempting) to do so in a healthy way.
I need to find my next kick in the ass. I’ve set my goal, and I’ve been working on the part with the pushups, and I’m certainly getting there a lot sooner than I thought I would. It’s turning out the opposite I thought it would. I thought getting to be able to do 25 push ups would be the difficult part. Turns out that finding the motivation to eat well and workout in order to lose that next 10 pounds is WAY harder this time. I don’t know what’s different, I don’t know what’s changed. I’m just……It’s so hard. I don’t know how. I’m searching, I have the want, but I haven’t found the will yet.
Maybe after my trip to Paris (Next week!!) I will feel bad because European women are skinny and, well, I am NOT.
I do have a figure though, and I feel pretty when I’m getting dressed in the morning now, which I LOVE!! But it could be more, it could be better, and I could be healthy. There are still things to work toward, I need to stop finding excuses and start finding inspiration.